Transitions for Team Smelkins

Image Credit: someecards.com

Since my last update a few exciting events have occured in the Smelkins household:

• We paid off our car loan!
• Matt left his crappy day job at a big-box retailer. Today was his last day!
• I realized that my temporary, part-time restaurant job has morphed into a year long, full-time commitment that is leaving no room for seeking full-time, meaningful career-type work. So I'm leaving Olga's and this is my last weekend waiting tables!
• Matt had an interview last Monday and a job offer by that Friday to be the newest Quality Assurance Engineer with a local company!
• Matt's starting wage will be larger than our yearly combined income!

Life is changing in a wonderfully strange way. It is awesome that we are both leaving jobs that were killing us to pursue work that we enjoy. Until I find myself an adult job like Matt did, I'm going to continue on-call work with our local DV agency.

Tomorrow Matt and I are going to take the early bus to downtown Seattle to check out the timing and bus route he will be taking to work. Since we'll already be downtown we're going to make a celebratory date-type event out of it! I'm very excited and you can look forward to a picture post detailing our date.

Image Credit: vahidbehzadi.wordpress.com

Our One Year Wedding Anniversary!

I've been considering what to write for this commemorative post for several weeks now. Did I want to reminisce about our wedding, discuss the ways that we've grown as a couple over the past year, wax poetical about love and marriage in general terms? I even looked back to my journal for inspiration. What I found there made me laugh:

January 18th, 2011

Official confirmation of plans to wed.

January 23rd, 2011

Is this really happening? To me?! I am 110% ready to marry Matt and spend the rest of my life with him. I do not doubt that we can conquer and work through anything that comes our way. One big rule: we will NOT be the gender stereotypical husband & wife, but partner & spouse. Things have been so crazy and I really need more to time to relax but life is running me ragged! Maybe next weekend? I promise myself right now that this will NOT get out of hand. I will have a beautiful celebration but not at the expense of my sanity or anyone else's. What I care about wedding-wise: spending time with my family and Matt's family; a pretty, simple dress; a clean, handsome suit; two comfortable rings. Screw the rest!

March 6th, 2011

Talking to Matt on the phone - today has been stressful - the past few weeks have been stressful. I bought a dress for the wedding celebration. SIGH. Things have gotten difficult. Fast. But I guess we will survive. This will all end soon. 10 week countdown to May 15th, 2011!

And that is the last post in my journal. A few months after my last entry, I started this blog but that is a lame excuse for my absence in a journaling habit I've kept over the past decade. In my defense, I think that the 5 months of our engagement were the craziest, busiest and most emotional months that I've experienced since I was a wild and hormonal thirteen year old.

Anyway, after great indecision I finally decided to share the two pieces of relationship advice that have stayed on my mind over the past year. The first nugget of marriage wisdom comes from Matt's cousin, Autumn, who wrote to us and said, "There is no magic formula for a successful marriage, only love, trust, honesty and open communication. When all else fails there is always paper, rock and scissors to help with compromises!"

I love this advice because it demonstrates the basic tenets of any good relationship (love, trust, honesty, and open communication) while admitting 1) that marriage takes effort and 2) what works for one marriage won't necessarily work for another. It also recognizes that comprise and humor are useful tools when problems arise (which they undoubtedly will)!

The second piece of advice came from a random gentleman at the grocery store. Matt and I were debating the merits of different coffee brands and flavors when he approached us. He told us that we reminded him of a younger version of himself & his wife who came to pick out their daily brew just after being married forty three years ago! After telling us this adorable anecdote, he cautioned us with a gentle phrase, "Hang in there. Stay in love."

At first, the phrase "stay in love" seemed a little too generic to be good advice, but after reflecting for a while I think I understood what he meant. He meant that we should stay fond of each other as people, stay interested in the daily things and small quirks, stay connected and aware of one another. All those little things that people in love do without a second thought. 

Why those two pieces of wisdom have stuck with me, I don't know but I like them and there is comfort in knowing that good advice is out there, even if we don't really need it just yet, still being newlyweds and all. One year down, seventy eight years to go (I'm going to live to be a hundred, don't cha know)!

Anniversary Dinner Date!

Does this count as a New Year's resolution?

"I'm a strong proponent of having adventures, but only in the name of achieving balance. Stand still for too long and you're restless, run for too long and you're exhausted. The other side of the coin is the static serenity of home. 

If you're prepared to exercise a healthy dose of both daring and caution, the only caveat is this: An adventure without a mission feels a lot like wandering, and wandering - for too long - feels a lot like being lost. The conclusion? You don't necessarily have to look before you leap... just know why you're leaping."  –  Kathleen S., 2011

When I originally imagined moving to a new, faraway, and foreign place, I thought it would be such a life altering adventure. I truly thought that after Matt and I got to WA things would fall into place just the way I envisioned it because obviously, if I was living someplace else than I would stop procrastinating and start doing all of the things I wanted to accomplish with my life.

As you can see, I had a ridiculously unrealistic and romanticized idea of what my life would be like if I were living somewhere else. It was silly for me to assume that my location would change my life so grandly when the biggest piece of the puzzle was still the same – me.

After five months of feeling unsettled, I think I have finally realized what has been missing – a rallying point, a sense of direction for my everyday choices (and a nearby support network to see me through, but I can't have everything, can I?).

When I was in school (as I have been for the past 16 years), most of my choices revolved around my education – what books I would read, what my daily schedule looked like and how much free time I had for extracurriculars and friends. This is the first period of my life not determined by my first day of class, the school holiday schedule, and exam times. I feel lost without the guiding force of the school year.

The days seem to blur together as I aimlessly wander through them towards no particular objective. To remedy my drifting, I am going to embark on a journey, albeit a slow and ambling course, of self-improvement to see me through my days. As a beginning point, I am going to use the product of an exercise that I did with Matt two years ago. What we did was, individually and without conferring, create a list of short & long-term goals we wanted to accomplish (this was to help us evaluate our future plans and make sure there weren’t any huge discrepancies between the visions we had for our shared future).

What I would like is to utilize this blog as a tool to evaluate my progress while keeping in mind the broader goals I want to achieve. Of course, I will be ecstatic to cross off minor goals I achieve along the way but what I really want is for this to be an ongoing project of self-development. To start, I will list the goals as I originally wrote them (last edited 3/2013):

• Make dean’s list
• Don't get pregnant before graduating from college
• Earn a job I love
• Volunteer for a cause I love
• Live up North for one year or more
• Live abroad for one year or more
• Buy local products (meat, seafood, produce)
• Read more nonfiction books
• Become an amateur astronomer
• Become more interested in current events and news
• Become politically engaged
• Stay physically fit
• Plant a flower, herb, fruit and vegetable garden
• Build a house
• Evaluate and develop the spiritual facet of myself
• Develop and maintain relationships better
• Be a supportive lover, friend and coworker
• Don’t get caught up in the insignificant details
• Be a looking glass for others
• Grow up to be a Centenarian (added 8/2012)

A few of these things I have already accomplished, a few are currently in progress, some I haven't even thought of yet and some I will not even begin to tackle for another decade. Regardless, it is nice to see all my life-goal ducklings written in a row – it gives me a sense of purpose. I want to live in a better world, therefore I must begin with being a better person.

"The place to improve the world is first in one’s own heart and head and hands." - Robert Persig

"Action is character, our English teacher always says. I think it means if we never did anything, we wouldn't be anybody." - Jenny Mellor in the movie "An Education"

Our Six Month Wedding Anniversary

Six months ago on this day, I slept in late and ate cereal for breakfast. Matt and I browsed the internet together and watched a show on netflix. He drove me to a hair appointment at the mall and we picked up Taco Bell for lunch. We stopped by the florist to grab some flowers on the way to visit his parents. It was a seemingly mundane day, but I had a strange feeling that I was going to be married very, very soon.

Late on this breezy Sunday afternoon, Matthew and I found ourselves standing on a porch in the Texas country side surrounded by family and friends. We were anxiously awaiting the words that would release us from the spotlight and into the rest of our lives.

"You may now kiss the bride."

A few nights ago, I was given the opportunity to reflect on this momentous occasion when I was lucky enough to snag some girl time with a friend. When I told B, the soon (as in 10 days) to be Mrs. E, that Matt and I's six month wedding anniversary was coming up she asked, "So what does it feel like to be married for six months?" After a short pause, I responded*:

"I'm married?"

She laughed and seemed surprised. So I back tracked and tried to think of better words for my feelings.

"Ummm, well....how about - 'Who knew marriage was this easy?'"

The feeling I am trying to convey is that life with Matt now doesn't feel any more wonderful or difficult than before. We have always had a terrific, committed relationship and I am pleased that marriage hasn't messed that up! I respect and admire Matt for the things he excels at and I am smitten by the things he really sucks at.

It's not that we don't fight or stumble upon issues, but I feel that we have never been at a loss for compromise or otherwise finding common ground to stand upon together. I expect that our relationship will not always be so amiable, but I know we will always be able to work through life as a team.

This morning I asked Matt what it felt like to him to be married for six months. His first response was "I am the Dragonborn!" (Skyrim reference), which makes me think he doesn't enjoy being put on the spot for this blog. After a few nudges, Matt wrinkled his brow, frowned and said, "What's supposed to be so different from before?" And seeing how my answer wasn't any more inspired, I couldn't argue.

Matt's response might be interpreted for a variety of meanings but (I think) it boils down to the sentiment that life is good now and was good before too and there aren't any foreseen disruptions of the goodness so no worries.

I like it. I like us. Cheers to another happy six months!



*This conversation is remembered to the best of my ability, but I am sure my interpretations and memories aren't exact representations of our exchange.

Eight days into October & this is my first post for the month?

Not sure who to credit this image to. It's all over the net. If you know then please
let me know as I am happy to credit the creator/owner.

So I hate to admit it, but being alone and jobless in a new state several thousand miles away from my closest friends and family is hard. I miss everyone. I miss my old life. I am not admitting defeat, by any means, but I would like to mention (for posterity's sake) that I'm sad. Infinitely normal feelings, I know, but annoying to deal with nonetheless. Which is why the poster depicted above (my current desktop background) acts as a daily reminder that there are things I can do to help turn my mood around.

10 Positive Steps for Mental Health

1. Accepting who you are - I haven't cut my face out of any of the pictures while decorating my apartment, so I think this step is well accomplished.
2. Talking about it - I spend at least 15 minutes a day whining to Matt (poor boy) or one of my lady friends about my loneliness. I try to rotate this support system duty so as not to exhaust any one person's empathy too greatly.
3. Keeping active - I work out at the apartment gym almost every day. Nothing hardcore but at least I am there!
4. Learning new skills - Does learning how to be alone count?
5. Keeping in touch with friends - Snail mail is the best. Checking the mail box is my favorite part of the day thanks to my girls! If you want a letter or little drawing from me, just drop a note in the comments and I'll send one your way!
6. Doing something creative - Hmm, does crafting cover letters count as creative work?
7. Getting involved - I signed up to volunteer with a local organization called Neighborhood House! I hope to get started working with them soon. 
8. Asking for help - I have received incredibly sage advice from my friends, family and supporters. There hasn't been much need to ask for help because it has been given so readily.
9. Relaxing - The library is my friend. Not only is the library only three quarters of a mile away, but they also have e-books available to rent online if I'm too lame to leave the apartment. Reading is my favorite way to relax and escape.
10. Surviving - This one is easy. I just refuse to give up. "Being alive. Best thing there is. Being alive right now is all that counts."

To be honest, this week has been one of the best since we've been here. Loads of great things have happened. We acquired Chuck Testa the beta fish. I got an early look at the gorgeous engagement pictures of my friends B & Mr. E. I received snail mail from my friends JJ, MgB and L. I attended a ladies spiritual small circle at a nearby church. My mom came back from her month long trip to Africa. We were invited to a Halloween party. I cured my insomnia by listening to folk tales read and recorded by my grama at bed time. I made homemade rice milk. We received a care package from the best mother in law in the world (that contained drool-inducing gummi snacks). Matt has the next two days off and we might go visit Mount Rainier. Life is good. So I will leave you with pictures of Chuck Testa the fish.

Chuck Testa swimming like the fish he is.

Chuck Testa posing for the camera like a pretty boy.

When life gives you lemons...

From Google Images

I am a fairly optimistic person, as most people who know me would tell you; however, this period of unemployment has really started to drain my ability to see sunshine and rainbows in my everyday life (just to clarify, I am still extremely pleased that we moved here and with the Seattle area in general). I think if I hadn't started off with two months of chosen unemployment (I was not going to commute 45 minutes to work everyday), I wouldn't mind so much. But going on 3 months of unemployment (only 1 month of active job seeking) and 4 months since graduation, I am feeling antsy and impatient to get back to work. I am ready to help people, dagnabbit!

My entire life I have loved working with children - helping them grow, explore, and learn about life. I spent four years learning about how individuals develop, how community systems should work, and numerous tactics on how to positively influence a person's life. I am eager to put my knowledge to use in a meaningful setting! Is that so much to ask from the job market?!

My sentiments about my future career run along these lines: "I hope to never live a lavish lifestyle. I never want money to be the motivation for the work I do. I never want money to be the worth of the work I do." I have known for quite a while now that working in the nonprofit sector means I probably will never make much money, but I have accepted and come to love this fact. Wanna pay me $12 an hour. Fine, no biggie. Just give me a worthwhile cause!

I am currently on a break before going back to get my masters degree, but have often found myself wishing I hadn't taken a break just to fulfill my selfish need to be useful. The choices in graduate degree specialties overwhelm me because I cannot decide the best avenue for my career.

Do I want to be a play therapist? Do I want to work with normally developing children or children with specials needs? Do I want to be a marriage and family therapist? Do I want to work intervention with broken families and individuals or work prevention with families and individuals at risk? Do I want to be a social worker? Where can I utilize my talents to their fullest capacity?

And do you know what I hate the most right now about being unsuccessful in my job hunt? Feeling like a waste. Not a waste of space or anything of that sort, but almost like I am wasting my prosocial tendencies. It is hard to put an exact name to this feeling.

I already know being patient is my best bet for working this all out (the job hunting and the feeling of uselessness). So I remind myself  everyday "time will tell", "que sera, sera", etc. But frankly, that doesn't ward off the blues quite as well as I would hope. Instead, what really restored my sense of faith in myself was a conversation with a good friend of mine, L. We are all familiar with the aphorism, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" right? Essentially this means to use the bad things in your life to make something good. Yes?

Over the years, this phrase has received a number of pessimistic and hilarious adaptations, with a few of my favorite being:

• "When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand chocolate."
• "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade...But damn, there is only so much lemonade I can make!"
• "When life gives you lemons, just say 'fuck the lemons', and bail."
• "When life gives you lemons, throw them back at life and see if life will make that same mistake again!"
• "When life gives you lemons, ask yourself how exactly can an anthropomorphic personification of something immaterial like life give me a fruit?"

But my conversation with L about optimism and lemons went somewhere totally different and completely made my pissy mood worthwhile (as well as curing it). The conversation was something like this:

Me: I am starting to feel a teeny bit anxious that I won't ever find a job. 

L: Oh, you'll find one - smart girls like us always find something!

Me: Look at your optimism! That is totally what I need to get refill for - my optimism tank.

L: Well I don't know if you got the memo, but the motto is no longer making lemonade from lemons - it's putting your foot up life's ass and getting your way.

I am so thankful for great friends who remind me to always laugh at myself and at life. And as the Doctor says, "Rule 27: Never knowingly be serious" (Season 6, Ep 8). Life is too short, eh? So I am going to keep on keepin' on and I believe that I will eventually get it right. Love, love, love to you all!

From Google Images